I'm kind of an asshole

I derive a sick satisfaction from seeing people who shrugged me off in the past looking for happiness, while I'm sitting pretty with a girl I love, and a life that I'm very satisfied with.

I did a random search on a girl that I used to have a huge crush on, but who was always too busy for me. We were "friends", in that I'd do things for her and she'd confide in me when her real friends weren't around to go out and get hammered and do ecstasy with, but when the tables were turned, she was never there for me, and it always hurt to know I wasn't all that important to her life.

One such scenario was during the world series in 2002. I was enjoying the game at my apartment with my roommates and she called me, crying, begging me to go over and keep her company because she felt so alone. I threw on flip-flops and walked the 5 or so blocks in the rain to go hang out with her, even though I was having a lot of fun hanging out with the boys watching a hell of a Yankees/Diamondbacks game.

Long story short, by the time I got to her front door, she was on the phone with someone else, and was in the process of making plans to go out with this other person. I think it was a female, which softened the blow the tiniest bit, but there I was sitting on the couch watching the game by myself like an asshole while she blabbed on the phone for a good 20 minutes. When she finally hung up, she told me that her friend was about to pick her up, and apologized for making me come over, but I think this was the time that finally broke the camel's back.

I stopped talking to her pretty much for good after that, save for a couple times running into her on the street, or a few years ago when she was at the same bar I was to watch the NFL playoffs.

One other quick story was when she called me after running into a mutual friend of ours. She was adamant about us all getting together and rehashing good times, since we were some of the best friends she had ever had and she felt shitty for how she acted toward us. On one hand, I forgive her for all that and respect her for coming clean and apologizing, but on the other hand, I can't forget her M.O., which was to turn to me when all of her other friends have cleared out of her life.

Right after that phone call, I texted our mutual friend some sarcastic remark about her. Only problem was, I sent that text to her by accident. Oops. I had to call her and come clean about it all there, because by that point I was backed into a corner.

At the time, she was with what was supposedly her fiance, and they had bought a house together--but this recent search shows that she is currently single and looking. And I hate to say it, but it kind of gave me some satisfaction to know that her life hadn't worked out to that perfect pie-in-the-sky ending.

I'm not saying I'm proud of feeling that way, but I'm just trying to be honest here, which is what this blog is all about. Exposing the ugly truth of my sometimes nasty psyche. I reveled in imagining the break-up, down to the details of them awkwardly figuring out what to do about the house and her realizing that she's going to be alone again.

I'd like to get past this pettiness, I really would. Now that I've put this in writing, I can see how ugly this makes me. And if it weren't for the fact that I know my girlfriend would absolutely not get along with this girl, I wouldn't even be entirely against making amends and making her feel good about herself again. But we've created our own lives for ourselves, and our pasts catch up to us, as they say.

I just don't feel too good about enjoying someone else's misery, despite any past issues we may have had with each other. So if by chance this girl is reading this cryptic yet detailed story, let me say that I don't have any ill feelings toward you and I would like to see you happy, but maybe with a little bit of humility coming out of this experience. Sort of like what I got out of you being so flippant with me all those years ago.