So the girl who took my innocence is getting married

I've only had sex with 2 girls in my life. Both were in long-term relationships, and one of them is still going strong to this day.

But I do have one girl out there with whom I've come as close as possible to sex without actually finishing, and a random internet search (google stalking) of her name has brought up the fact that she is engaged and about to be married.

Again.

See, back in freshman year of college, I was a complete virgin in pretty much every sense of the word. I was 18 years old, and I had never had a girlfriend, never touched a breast, only saw a girl's nipple once (when the loose girl at the local A&P showed it to me at my buddy and co-worker's urging her) and my only kiss was an awkward peck on the lips on a front porch after hanging out with a girl for the night, and it was only because I asked "can I get a kiss?". In retrospect, there were probably about 3 other girls I could've had sex with back in high school, but I either didn't have the nerve or was completely scared and shied away from it. Wow, thinking about these encounters is embarrassing.

So suffice it to say, I had basically no experience dealing with girls on any level outside of the occasional awkward encounter in high school, which really didn't amount to much.

Fast forward to freshman year. I had my eye on two girls at our freshman orientation in the dorm almost immediately. The Chinese girl with the buns in her hair who quickly thrust me into the friend zone, out of which I tried to break for about 3 years after that--another story for another time--and then the one who reminded me of that one girl who I awkwardly kissed. She looked like she had the punk/indie thing going for her, which were the sort of girls I dug back then-- tanktops and hoodies, jeans, not a lot of make-up, cute face, small frame, nice little rack on her. The kind of girl you would probably see going backstage at a show.

The thing my thick head couldn't pick up on, though, was that this girl REALLY dug me. Like, so much so that she went out of her way to ask my roommate/best friend about me, would come up with any reason to come up to my room, and invite me to do things with her that I perpetually turned down mostly because I was a nervous and scared little shit who didn't feel comfortable stepping outside of the little routines that I was into at the time.

I specifically recall her inviting me to her dorm room for a little party she was throwing that I later realized was specifically to get me to her room and to get me drunk. I spent that night watching game 2 of the Mets/Yankees World Series instead.

Oh, did I mention that she was engaged at the time? Yeah, to her high school boyfriend, and she had the ring and everything. I realize it now, but if she weren't engaged, it likely wouldn't have made a difference. Still, at the time, I used that as the excuse I needed not to step out of my comfort zone.

But she pushed on. She would take me to record stores in her car, which was nearly impossible to have on campus, she'd invite me to watch Space Ghost with her on her bed, go to the mall, and then-- on a "dorm trip" which she rarely participated in, she decided to come and flirt with me right in front of her fiance. It was a paintball session, and after getting shot in the neck and yelled at for taking my helmet off too soon, she came over and stood next to me while her fiance was off firing plastic balls of paint at people. She'd sort of cuddle in, lean on me, and talk really close to me, to which I don't recall how I reacted, but I'm sure it was a healthy mix of arousal and discomfort.

After that, I finally got it. This girl actually liked me, and would not stop showing me until it was blatantly obvious and I was fully aware of it.

But again, it was all too much for me. Forget the fact that I'd never had a girlfriend or so much as held a girl's hand outside of an awkward prom obligation. This girl was everything I feared. She was sexy, confident, seemingly popular, and scariest of all, she wanted ME, which is not what I was used to in regard to sexy, confident, popular girls.

Scariest of all, she seemed like she wanted me more than just another pal, as was the case with the aforementioned Chinese girl who I was crushing on at the time.

And that scared the shit out of me.

No no, sex wasn't for me right now--I was fine with my usual routine of video games, writing personal things that nobody will ever see (lots changed there...), listening to music, and worrying about schoolwork. Sex was way too much to handle right at this moment, especially to an engaged woman.

This is until the "borrowed vacuum" strategy.

See this girl was persistant, and crafty at that. After getting me to finally notice her and what her intentions were, her next step was to get me in her room and finish the job. She would occasionally borrow my vacuum cleaner from our room and always said that she "owed me" for it. My ham-fisted attempts at flirting back were most likely embarrassing enough to warrant me willfully forgetting them, so after not getting the hint enough times, she eventually blatantly said "if you let me borrow the vacuum today, I'll make out with my roommate and let you watch".

Let me repeat that, and also state that this is the god's honest truth, and there is no reason to make this story up. If anything, by the time you reach the end of this little story, you will realize that this in no way makes me look good.

She said: "if you let me borrow the vacuum today, I'll make out with my roommate and let you watch".

I took it as a joke, let her borrow the vacuum and went back to whatever the hell I was doing.

Of course, she wasn't going to let that little line go without a reaction from me, so she invited me downstairs to her room, where she made good on that promise. She sat me down, her and her roommate cuddled up on the bed, and bam, they started kissing. Her roommate seemed to be into it a little longer than she was, as she was the first to pull away, but I remember making some awful joke about masturbation right after it happened, which she either chuckled at or ignored completely, and she patted the bed for me to sit down next to her. Her roommate got up and left, locking the door on the way out, and soon it was just me and her, at which point she made a point of saying that she broke up with her fiance.

It started with lots of heavy making out, feeling up, and eventually led to her going down on me and vice versa. I remember the tattoo on her flat lower stomach area like I just saw it 5 minutes ago. I was oddly completely ready for this, and soon enough, we were finished. Well, I was finished anyway. I went back upstairs, hung out with the people on my floor with an extreme sense of giddyness and a little nervousness, and said not a peep to anyone about the whole affair. I don't remember how or why I went right back upstairs, but I do remember wanting a complete return to normalcy afterward, since my head was spinning and I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling at the time.

This happened a few times, until she brought up the question right in the middle of the act I was so enjoying-- "do you want to have sex?"-- spoken in a breathy, in-the-act-already type of way which one would think would lead to the inevitable, but my answer was the following: "I don't know if we should".

Let me repeat that, just to balance out the double quote of what was probably the highlight of my memory earlier.

I said back to her: "I don't know if we should"

Now part of me knew that I didn't have much interest in her outside of her physical attributes and some similar tastes in music and movies and whatnot. And I knew that I couldn't really stand her friends and didn't see myself ever wanting to be in that circle. And I knew that if I had sex with her then and there, even though it wasn't her first time, it was mine, and I wouldn't have felt right starting down that path knowing that I was having what was essentially meaningless sex with a girl that was living downstairs from me.

Part of me knew that.

The other part of me was terrified of sex in general, though, and I really needed more than a breathy "do you want to have sex" to push me over. If she had grabbed me, threw a condom on, and inserted me inside of her, I doubt I would've had much protest. But she left it up to me at that point, and instead of going with my bodily instincts, I had an instant of hesitation, which turned into a moment, which turned into a fully formed thought, and I realized that it wouldn't have been right to go through with it.

So I didn't. I talked to her and told her that I don't really know if I feel the same way about her as she does to me, and that I don't want to lead her on, but of course I said these things in the most vague, confusing ways possible.

After that, it's sort of a blur. I think we may have hooked up a few more times after that, but I quite possibly distanced myself from her, and she more than likely distanced herself from me, as I distinctly recall knocking on her door on those desperate lonely dorm nights when everyone else was out at a frat party, and getting no answer. I think she ended up moving off-campus during the year without saying anything, and I was none the wiser for a long time.

In the end, I probably made the right decision by not having sex with her, but I approached it horribly and I still feel terribly about it to this day. I've thought about contacting her and explaining myself at various points throughout the past seven years, but now that I've found out she's engaged and about to be married--and I assume she'll go through with it this time--I can only assume that she's completely put that whole debacle much further from her memory than I ever will.

Anyways, it's good to be writing again on here, and I hope to continue with these blurbs whenever I get a few hours to myself again. It's not often that I do, but I do enjoy writing for some actual relief again instead of worrying about an audience reading these things.