How are you?
It's sure been a while since we last spoke, and I've heard some rumors flying around that I wanted to discuss with you. But before we get into that, lets reminisce, shall we?
Remember back in high school, when I used to base my entire day around how you and I would interact in Calculus class? How if you paid attention to me and we talked for a little bit, it would be like I was walking on goddamn sunshine for the rest of the day? Or on the other hand, when you would ignore me and talk to Chad sitting next to you, how I wanted to just go home and punch a wall?
Remember how I used to think you were the most beautiful specimen on the face of the earth, and just a little smile or giggle from you would send shivers down my spine? How I was so infatuated with you that I used to go home and write in my diary like a little pussy about any brief interaction we had, and analyze it to death?
Or how I wouldn't even imagine sex with you, because you were just too perfect and pure to taint with my awful masturbation sessions that I would have with just about every other girl in school? How just the thought of holding your hand or putting my arm around you would just immediately cause me physical pain because it was just such a pipe dream?
Remember the days when your boyfriend would anger you, and you'd talk to me about it, and how even back then I knew not to play the friend card and instead I would take his side, so that I didn't become just another one of your girlfriends, but with a penis? But how I'd secretly hope that something terrible would happen to your relationship and you'd naturally gravitate toward me since I was so trusting and caring?
How about the times you would ask me for rides home when your friends would ditch you, and how I'd wait at my locker for you so that you didn't have to take the bus? Or when you and your boyfriend got in trouble for skipping school one day, and I was the first one you called to talk about it?
Remember when sometimes I'd wait at my locker for 10 minutes, and then you'd come over and tell me you had another ride and you didn't need me? How crushed and dejected I would feel, and how I'd think that playing that martyr card would eventually get to you and you'd realize how great I was for always being there, even when you didn't return the favor?
What about when you'd tell me all about your future--how you wanted to move out to the west with your boyfriend, get married, and have a boy (you even had his name picked out)? Remember how crushed I used to feel knowing that I was chasing something that I knew I would never catch, but I kept on trying anyway?
Remember how tormented I was my entire senior year in high school, because I could never tell you how I truly felt about you and you were either too oblivious or too polite to bring it up yourself, even though it was pretty glaringly obvious?
Those were good times.
So I hear you and your boyfriend have recently broken up, after about 9 years of dating. I also heard that the root cause of it was that you were overbearing and forced your will on him. I heard you wore him down to a nub, and for the last 5 years or so of your relationship, you were more of a burden than a pleasure to be with.
I also realized that all those feelings of frustration and confusion I had when I would talk to you wasn't because I didn't know how to interpret normal female behavior, but because you were psychologically damaged, and would exploit the fact that you are beautiful and people always went out of their way to bend over backwards for you. It wasn't anything special when guys would go out of their way to please you, as I used to do so much without so much as a "thanks". Apparently, that was the norm in your life. So all my effort in showing you how much I cared for you-- that was just how EVERYONE treated you, and I was just another guy who happened to be a good listener.
And I'm sure that's why now that you've finally had someone say "no" to you--your boyfriend of 9 years breaking up with you--I guess that's why you attempted to kill yourself by overdosing on pills. Because rejection and overcoming social obstacles like this isn't something that had been hard-wired into you since you were a little kid, like it does for most people. You didn't know how to handle someone not bending to your will, especially a guy you're romantically involved with.
You even cheated on him a couple times, and I'm sure he had his suspicions, but it went unspoken and you nearly got away with it just being a mistake that you never had to own up to. You almost admitted as much to me, that one time we went to get pizza when he wasn't around, but I told you that I didn't want to know. I wasn't going to be the one to trim off some of that guilt you were feeling. This was something you had to live with. And besides, I was becoming pretty good friends with him at the time, so I didn't want to have to make that decision of whether or not to tell him. This was between you and him.
Boy have things changed. Just a few years ago, you were a Manhattan-ite yuppie with a nice big airy apartment with a beautiful view, a cutting edge job in the entertainment industry, all your friends in similar hip industries and you were in your domestic bliss, even down to the pet kitty and going out on weekends to look for a house to buy with the guy. You almost had him. You were one good real estate deal away from tying your lives together so bound that he'd have no choice but to go ahead and marry you and have a kid and be set.
Since the break-up, apparently you've moved far away from the city and are for the first time in your life on your own. You'd abandoned most of your friends during your time with the guy, because they sort of refused to bend to your will as well. In fact, a lot of your old friends became friends with him, because they could relate to what he must have been going through.
Now instead of having dinner parties and going to art exhibits, where your biggest worry was how you looked and how people in those circles viewed you and the boy, you're faced with stark reality--something most of us thankfully go through in high school and have become callused to by this age. For that, I really do feel bad for you, because it's not a fun journey to go through. And it's not in your formative years that it's happening, which makes it even worse. Back when you're still young and impressionable, you can sort of develop personality traits out of the situation. I use humor to deal with almost everything in my life, because that's how I learned to cope with shit back then. Some people become talented artists. Some focus on a hobby that makes them happier. I'm not saying it's going to be impossible for you to deal with this newfound reality of life, but I have a feeling it's gonna be a lot harder to make a personality change now than it would have been when you were 13 years old.
So I guess I should wrap up this little letter to you. I had to get this all off my chest for a few reasons. For one, I truly do wish you well, and don't want this letter to come off as condescending, even though I did use some sarcasm and obviously there are still some bitter feelings there. But also, I have been a little worried about you ever since I heard about your incident. It's not shocking, but it is a little surprising that the girl I worshipped as a perfect goddess a brief 8 years ago is now in a mental state where she feels she has nowhere to turn.
Lets just say that it'll get better. I'm not sure if that's the god's honest truth, but based on my own experiences, I'd say that if you can make it through this with some lessons learned and a newfound humility, you might be able to consider yourself as having a new lease on life.
Take care and have a wonderful rest of your life.
Sincerely,
Me
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